I'm sorry...

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too


He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is parts of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs at the moment, "I'm sorry" by Maria Mena. The song is very simple but its the lyrics that really grab me. She sings about things people think but don't really say or talk about. How many times have we changed ourselves in one way or another to become something or someone that another person wants us to be? Personally, I can say: LOTS of times! Sometimes its quite unconscious yet other times not at all. "If I do this or say this, maybe he will like me more, maybe he will see me like I see him, feel for me like I feel for him". Its amazing what we do to be liked, not only by the other sex but by people we look up to or people we want to look up to us.

I've asked myself why I do it, and I think I've come to the conclusion that it is kind of a coping-mechanism for me. When I was younger, I always felt socially-awkward ( I still do ) and I didn't have a lot of friends. After being miserable in school for 9 years, I started a "city-school" to get away from the town I grew up and the people there and decided to make some changes in my life. And I think thats when I started changing my personality a bit as well. Where I am in life at the moment, I think a lot of people think they know me, but they don't. Heck, I don't even know if I know myself. I've been single for quite a while now and have sometimes asked myself "Why? Am I not "girlfriend material"?" But then I think, how can I make people love me for who I am if I don't even know who I am myself? And how will I ever get to know ME if I, like a chameleon, change my colors to fit in?